EDITORS NOTE:
WELCOME FAITHFUL CINEPUNKERS TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF KEVIN HARE TALKS MOVIES HE HASN’T SEEN!
Kevin Hare is well known in the Philadelphia hardcore scene for his intelligence, pro wrestling acumen, love of ginger ale, and his band DOUBLEDEALER (just kidding, he wouldn’t stoop so low). Kevin loves hearing about movies, and he’s heard about lots and lots of them. But I mean, come on, who has time to actually watch them all? NOT KEV! He has watched the trailers though, and from those trailers he has a PRETTY good idea of what those films are about, and what he thinks of them.
ENJOY!
Jurassic Park
Some old ass man decides that dinosaurs are cool and he wants to bring them back. He uses their DNA to somehow bring those motherfuckers back to life and puts them all on some big-ass island and charges people a shitload to get in. People flock like crazy to the island not thinking about the fact that they are going to be around FUCKING DINOSAURS. One day, it rains a fuckload so the dinosaurs go fucking crazy and start killing everyone. People try to stop them while driving some goofy ass yellow jeep but some velociraptors fuck them up. Some people die but the old man survives and looks like a jackass. Spielberg does a pretty good job telling a story but the dinosaurs are kind of hokey and the acting is over the top. Extra star for the sickass score. 2 ½ stars
Robocop
In the not so distant future, the world is controlled by a single rich guy who uses robots to do his bidding. This other guy is fed up with it and feels sad as hell that no one takes him seriously but everyone loves robots. He decides to pretend to be a robot to earn the love of the world, not realizing that no one actually likes the fuckin robots anyway. He fuses metal to his body and removes some of his bones so that he can store weapons in there. He instantly becomes happier because he thinks the world loves him. In reality, everyone is terrified. Eventually, Robocop “becomes friends with” a blonde surfer who wears facepaint. One day, four innocent men on horses grab the surfer to try to save him and throw him in a cage to protect him from Robocop. Unfortunately, the guy in the robot suit had been hitting the gym, so he ripped open the bars of the cage and fucked up the men. This was all broadcasted live on national TV. Finally, the world had enough of his shit so they decided that it was time for Robocop to die, so they blew his ass up. Great, well structured story, but the special effects feel a little outdated. 3 ½ stars
Alien
Space is a great place for a vacation… or so you’d think! With that idea in mind, a group of people decide that they want to spend their holiday break from work going into orbit. They are having a great time, they sleep in pods in the same room, play some ping pong and hang constantly. Life is pretty stress free. One day, they realize something is a little… off. It’s the cat. He has doubled in size and seems a bit more angry than normal. Crew members have also started to go missing. They can’t figure it out. Then they realize the cat has been inhabited by an alien the whole damn time and has been eating the vacationers. It’s time to kill the cat. But unfortunately, the cat/alien hybrid is too powerful. The crew members succumb to the cat. I’m going to be honest here, the premise for this movie is pretty dumb. A cat…inhabited by an alien?? Too preposterous even for me. 1 ½ stars
Poltergeist
The Jones’ are your typical middle class family. They are happy, young, and successful. The American Dream. They also spend all of their time watching television. Literally, it’s all they fuckin do 24/7. One day, the youngest girl in the family, fresh off of a 57 hour TV bender, sees some ghosts coming out of the TV. She thinks that they are there to take out the whole family. Of course, the family believes her because they have been watching almost as much TV themselves. They are hallucinating everywhere, thinking their neighbors are ghosts, their TV is a ghost, their house is a ghost. Their neighbors stand outside the window looking at these fucking idiots the whole time. Eventually, in their hallucinogenic stupor, they all fall down the stairs to their deaths. A brilliant satire of the negative effects of television on our youth. 4 ½ stars
Gremlins
So some dumbass in a red jacket is spoiled as hell and has it all. A cute girl, a nice house, a good job. His parents decide to prank him by giving him some fakeass Furby knockoff. He’s bummed as hell because everyone was so cheap. He had no idea what he was in for. Turns out, the Furby is actually some fucking lizard thing that won’t shut the hell up and can procreate with itself. This red jacket jackass has to put up with hundreds and hundreds of these ugly ass things all the time. They are everywhere. He hears their voices at all times. They are pretty lovable, though, so he warms up to them. Eventually, he adopts them all into his family. His parents, realizing that they, in fact, were the ones who got pranked, kill them all with pellet guns. It becomes their life mission. They eventually go insane and are committed. The boy and his lizards live happily ever after with the knowledge that no one can ever actually prank him. Not much here. 2 stars
